Holding My Last Breath
by Lady of the Ink
Summary: Based on a song, but not actually a songfic Unexpected things happen all the time, changing lives forever. Even the worst tragedies may sow the seeds for something wonderful down the road. Kagura centered fic


**Holding My Last Breath  
**_By Lady of the Ink  
_**Rating: **PG, for semi-dark themes  
**Pairing:** K/K  
**Note: **Monologue Fic

**Oneshot**

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When I first become aware of myself and my surroundings, there is nothing but darkness. It's complete, so absolute that not even shadows add layers to its depth. It's as though I've been dipped in plaster and robbed of all sensation. But my mind is working even if other parts of me are not. It's throwing memories at me, jumbled at first, but smoothing themselves out as I concentrate.

I remember early this afternoon, deciding to go and visit Shigure's house. Although I did want to see him, and Yuki and Tohru, it was you who was my real motivation. Even after all you've told me, I still can't help but want to see you. I guess that's just how it goes when you love someone.

Everyone seemed happy enough to see me, although you were being your usual recalcitrant self. I helped Tohru with lunch, and it came pretty well. I have to admit that Tohru is a wonderful cook, and very patient, even when I make mistakes. It's one of her most lovable features.

The best part came after lunch, though. Yuki volunteered to go along with Tohru to the store. Once they left, Shigure disappeared to work on his latest novel, leaving me alone with you. Not wanting to waste the opportunity, I started throwing out ideas for things that we could do together.

Of course, you said no to all of them. You didn't want to see a movie, or go shopping, or anything else that I suggested. Just when I thought that nothing would appeal to you, the perfect activity came to me. There was nothing better on a warm afternoon than a walk through the trees.

You finally agreed, although I have a feeling it was mostly because you knew I wasn't going to take no for an answer. I don't mind, though. What does it matter how something great comes to be? All that matters is that it does.

I remember how nice it was as we set off. The sound of the wind rustling the leaves was almost like music. When we entered the shaded area under the trees the air got noticeably cooler. Walking kept me warm enough, although even if it hadn't, I wouldn't have risked going back for a jacket and given you a chance to run off. You don't even seem to notice the change in temperature, but then, as far as I know, rain is the only kind of weather that gets to you.

As we walked, we talked. Well, I talked, really. You just grunted now and then, occasionally gifting me with one-word replies. It didn't bother me; I'm used to it. It's just the way you are sometimes.

Everything becomes a bit fuzzy here. It's all mixed up, choppy and uneven in my mind. Maybe if I retrace those moment slowly I'll be able to figure them out.

I had been picking flowers from here and there as we walked. There had been a good number of patches growing right beside the path so it was easy. But then I noticed a bunch, barely visible, in the prettiest shade of blue.

I recall thinking that they would be the perfect finishing touch to my bouquet. I turned to smile at you, ignoring your bored expression, and then headed toward them. They were growing at the base of a mound of dirt, most likely the result of a mudslide. It might have even been created at the same time as the one that brought Tohru into all our lives.

I was so determined to get those flowers, to make that bouquet as perfect as it could be, that I just dropped right down onto my knees beside them. Dirt and grass stains could be washed out and I saw them as a small price to pay for creating the perfect crowning touch to a day I wanted to remember.

As close as I was while picking those flowers, I didn't hear the rumbling at first. In fact, you heard it before me. It was your yells that told me something was wrong, although I had no clue what at first. But even as I lifted my eyes to the top of the pile where you were pointing, small rocks began bouncing towards me to land in my hair and lap.

I was frozen in place, caught between the knowledge that I had to run and the ability to actually accomplish that action. You had no such problem. Only seconds after you'd first noticed what was happening, your hand was locked around my wrist, pulling me to my feet.

The noise grew louder as we ran. Your longer legs gave you the advantage and you began to pull ahead. By the time my foot caught under a root and sent me sprawling, you were several steps away.

I wanted you to keep going. I wanted to know that you would be safe, out of harms way. If nothing else, I could have taken comfort in that.

But it wasn't to be. Something caused you to turn back. Some sound, maybe from me, maybe from the collapsing mound behind me, or maybe just an instinct had you spinning around. The look of pure worry on your face as you saw me sprawled on the ground and the lack of hesitation before you started back would have been things to cherish under other circumstances.

As it was, it was the last thing I wanted to see. I would have yelled for you to go back if the fall hadn't knocked all the air out of my lungs. The only thing that I could do was raise a hand toward you, palm out in the universal symbol for "stop".

It was the last thing I did before I felt an intense pressure hit my body and everything went black.

That's all I knew until just moments ago. It certainly explains the darkness and lack of feeling that surround me. If even just a third of that pile came down, there could be several inches of it resting on me, blocking out the light and keeping me from moving easily.

But now that I've had some time to get myself together, I think I can gather a bit of strength. The desire to see if you're okay supplies the rest of the energy I need.

I turn my head first, pushing it up against the dirt that weighs it down. As it breaks through, I manage to take a couple of shallow breaths. It's enough to clear my head still more and get a better grip on my surroundings. The fall has left me flat on my stomach, with one hand stretched in front of me. The bend of my elbow proved a perfect resting place for my face, as well as giving me a pocket of air to breathe while I was knocked out.

This pose makes it easier for me to brace myself to move. Working slowly, moving just a bit at a time, I manage to get my other arm in a similar location. When they're lined up, I flatten my hands against the rocky ground and push shove off.

I get to about the midpoint of a push up before the pain hits. It comes from my stomach, but shoots outward through my whole body. It's a burning, grinding kind of pain that's unlike anything I've ever felt before. My breath catches in my throat as every muscle tenses and I freeze in place.

Forcing my neck to relax, I allow my head to hang loose as I take fast, shallow pants of air. It's a long time before the pain begins to ease from unbearable to just agonizing. When it fades a bit further, I manage to bring my head up to look around. I have to know that you're all right.

At first there's no sign of you and my heart sinks. Then a splash of color catches my eye. Looking closer, I finally make out your form where you lay sprawled, several feet away. Judging by the way the sea of dirt lays and how you've fallen, I can make a guess at what happened. It must have hit you right in the ankles as you headed toward me, knocking your feet out from under you and sending you face first into the ground.

My first instinct is to crawl to your side and make sure that you're okay. An attempt to do just that brings the pain back to life in a fiery burst. My elbows start to shake and then collapse, dropping me back into the dirt. While I gasp for air, I take stock of my body and come to one conclusion almost immediately.

Something is very wrong.

It feels like a very heavy weight is resting over the entire lower half of my body. It's far more than can be attributed to just the dirt. I can't feel my legs at all, or anything below my waist. Where sensation comes back, it brings with it a throbbing pain keeping pace with my heart.

My eyes lock onto your face as I lay there, which is pretty much the only part of you that I can see. Your eyes remain closed; not so much as a hint of a smile or frown mars your blank expression. If I could be sure that you were okay, I would be able to relax.

As I wait for some sign from you, my mind drifts. I remember all the times we played together as children. All the good memories and the bad memories run through my head. Whether you count it as a blessing or a curse, we have a history together. So many times spent . . .

I catch myself as my eyes begin to flutter closed. I know that I have to keep them open until I know that you're okay. There's a coldness that is creeping over me, replacing the burning pain from before. If it's any indication, there's a good chance my eyes won't open again once they shut.

Acknowledging this has an unexpected result. My thoughts turn from the past to the future. Is it that way fro everyone, when the end comes in sight? Do they begin to ponder all that they won't be there to see, or hear?

How will you remember me when I'm gone? As a nuisance you'd have been better off without? As a problem you never managed to get rid of?

Or has there been enough good in our time together for you to remember me fondly, if just a little? Maybe a stray memory when you walk through the trees with someone else. Or just a moment of pause when Valentine's Day rolls around?

Will you remember how much I love you?

I hope you don't try to blame yourself for what happens here. For all that you would like the world to see you as a tough guy, you have a big heart. You feel some things so deeply; too deeply, sometimes. I can't bear the thought of becoming another burden for you to shoulder through life.

Did your eyelashes just flutter? Everything's a little blurry now, so it's hard to tell. Wait, there it was again. You're waking up!

Relief is rushing through me, chasing off what little strength remains. I'm so happy, and so drained at the same time. The weight on my chest has gotten heavier, but the one on my heart is suddenly gone.

You're sitting up now, brushing the dirt from your hair and clothes. That has mean that you're in better shape than me. Not that that's saying much, really.

Oh, you've spotted me. I can see your eyes widen as they take in the sight I must surely make. It's back again, that look of worry, just for me. If only . . .

No. There's no more time left for "what ifs". You're moving towards me, crawling on your hands and knees. But the closer you get, the farther away you seem.

You stop by my side, the worry sharpening your features. I can't stand to be the cause of that expression, not when it might be the last one I see. Forcing my stiff lips to move, I offer you the warmest smile I can manage.

It does its job. Your face and body relax a bit and you even smile back. That's better, a much nicer memory to go out on. My eyelids droop again; this time I don't fight it. You're okay, and that's what matters.

Will you tell them all goodbye for me?

Something hot and wet hits my cheek. I can hear your voice, sounding so very far away. I think you've just figured it out. I'm sorry. I really am. I never meant to cause you pain. Please don't cry.

Please don't . . .

Don't . . .

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**Follow up Note:** There is a sequel to this fic called "**All My Thoughts of You**", completed and posted here on . You can find it through my profile or on my website. While it's not your typical happy ending, it _is_ a happy ending. Try it out, and let me know what you think. Thanks so much to all the people who read this and let me know that it touched them enough to want a happier ending. I hope that "AMTOF" provides that. (It sure made me feel better about the whole killing Kagura off thing.)


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